Written By: RSSPoker.com
The first episode of season eight of Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice aired tonight on NBC. Why do we care? Well we don’t really, but poker pro Annie Duke is on the show this season and the ridiculousness of the whole thing is too good to pass up. I had a feeling Annie Duke would be this year’s bitch, and so far she isn’t disappointing us.
The teams this year are a lot better than last years, with a wild group of characters. As much as it pains me to say this, I love this ridiculous show. I love to hear all of the pompous things Donald Trump has to say. I also love watching the so-called ‘celebrities’ screw up all of the things you and I do on a daily basis. Here is the cast for season 8 of Celebrity Apprentice:
Team Kotu (Men)
- Dennis Rodman – Former professional basketball player & 5 time NBA Champion.
- Andrew Dice Clay – Former comic that most of us forgot was still alive.
- Herschel Walker – Former NFL runningback & Heisman Trophy winner.
- Clint Black – Country music singer.
- Brian McKnight – R & B singer.
- Tom Green – TV Host, comedian with one ball.
- Jesse James – Custom motorcycle builder and star of Monster Garage.
- Scott Hamilton – Gay Olympic ice skating champion (I know that’s redundant).
Team Athena (Women)
- Annie Duke – Pro poker player and endorser of Ultimate Ripoff Poker.
- Joan Rivers – Zombie television host.
- Melissa Rivers – Professional coat tail rider.
- Khloe Kardashian – The ‘big one’ on Meet The Kardashians.
- Brande Roderick – Former Playmate of the Year.
- Natalie Gulbis – Professional golfer (she’s the straight one).
- Tionne ‘T-Boz’ Watkins – Former member of hip hop group TLC.
- Claudia ‘Filler Celebrity’ Jordan – Deal or No Deal spokesmodel.
The show started with Joan Rivers volunteering for the role of Project Manager. As soon as someone mentioned the idea of picking a name Joan said it didn’t matter and she didn’t want to waste time worrying about it, she wanted to get straight to work. So, like the blathering idiot she is, Annie Duke went straight into picking a name. First she suggested ‘Phoenix’, because last year’s women’s team got clobbered week after week and she liked the reference to the Phoenix who rises from the ashes. Whatever. Then she suggested Athena because Athena was the goddess of beauty, wisdom & war…or something like that. So, to get Annie to shut it, they went with Athena.
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Think I’m being too hard on Annie? Last year she was interviewed on Jeremy Enke’s radio show, where every 10 minutes Jeremy could be heard in the background saying things like “ap-”, “yu-”, “whe-”, “wer-” and “di-”. Typically Jeremy is a little more eloquent and likes to finish the words he starts, but Annie Duke couldn’t seem to shut her trap long enough for Jeremy to get a word in edgewise. If you get a chance, check out Jeremy’s poker room review site.
Jeremy had Annie Duke on his radio show to talk about the cheating scandal involving the online poker room she is sponsored by, Ultimate Douchebags. While I’m a big believer in capitalism, I don’t believe that taking money from players is a good way to do business. The fact that Annie Duke still endorses an online poker room that allowed so many of their high-stakes players to get ripped off for millions is disgraceful. So Annie, here it comes baby.
Right from the beginning of the show, Annie Duke started spewing her ‘I’m smarter than you’ attitude. While it pains me to say this, she probably is the smartest of the female cast members. While I won’t say that this year’s ladies are stupid, I will say that I wouldn’t trust any of them to negotiate a lollipop purchase for me. She might be smarter than the rest of the ladies, but so is clumping cat litter.
It was easy to see that Annie had studied reruns of at last year’s Celebrity Apprentice show. The fact that she was being strategical was obvious, but her execution was poor. Annie should know that women don’t like each other – you can’t tell women what to do. Within the first 20 minutes of the show, the brilliant, smart, dumb as a box of rocks spokesmodel from Deal or No Deal said that Annie needed to “shut the hell up”. Kim Kardashians sister Khloe called Annie “assertive & bossy”.
The men’s team, named Kotu (means ‘I want to bang Khloe’s sister in Korean) was off to a better start with Jesse James taking charge and getting along with everyone. While former NFL runningback Herschel Walker was the project manager, it was Jesse who seemed to be moving things along. I don’t remember what he was referring to, but at one point Jesse James said the following words…”celebrity star cupcake galactica”. I’m pretty sure those words have never been used in that order before – congrats Jesse!
I’m not sure why Andrew Dice Clay even bothered to be on the show. This former superstar who has all but vanished from the eye of the media couldn’t get himself to make a single fucking cupcake. Yeah, the project was making cupcakes, and that was too much for this guy. Even the typically apathetic Dennis Rodman had a comment or two for the Diceman’s laziness.
With all this said, Andrew Dice Clay was good for a couple of great sound bites.
“I hate making cupcakes”. I’m gonna use that the next time the wife decides to throw a birthday party for the kids.
When he refused to wear a hat in the kitchen, the Diceman said “It’s a rule, don’t look like a jerkoff”. I guess I’ll have to throw out my old rule, ‘Every Sunday I get a blowjob, every other day I get two’. Please don’t tell my wife I changed my rule – definitely don’t tell my girlfriends.
Professional golfer Natalie Gulbis forgot an ingredient and screwed up a batch of chocolate cupcakes. As pleasant as always, Annie Duke was sure to tell other cast members “I didn’t make those, I made the vanilla ones”. Wow, pat yourself on the back for making vanilla cupcakes Annie. Next time they might let you try a whole cake.
The men didn’t do any better with their cupcakes as they made theirs without sugar. “Those cupcakes taste like ass” is how Jesse James put it. To solve the problem, they created a sugar syrup that they spread over the top of the cupcakes, with the idea that the sugar would go down and absorb into the cupcakes.
The creepy little ice skater, Scott Hamilton was somehow put on the men’s team. When I saw this ‘guy’ was on the show, I couldn’t help but wonder “was Perez Hilton not available?” If I hear one single person (that hasn’t read this article) say “Oh my god! I have to watch Celebrity Apprentice tonight because Scott Hamilton is on”, I promise to commit Harakiri upon myself like a Samurai warrior.
True story – about 7 years ago I was riding a motorcycle on I-25 in Denver when a black Porsche moved into my lane and almost ran me over. This prick never even looked when he changed lanes, and if I hadn’t been paying attention there would be body shavings all over the highway. I gave this ass-clown the Ice Cube stare down and realized it was Scott Hamilton. How did I know it was him? He’s the announcer every time I check out the hot girls on Disney On Ice: Mickey & Minnie’s Magical Journey.
So, here’s the rest of the run-down on the first episode of this seasons Celebrity Apprentice.
The women parked their cupcake truck in front of the Playboy building in New York. 2001 Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick got all of the employees of Playboy to come down and buy cupcakes.
Annie Duke got some poker buddies to buy expensive, shitty cupcakes for a bunch of money, including Eric Seidel who bought one for $5 grand.
Donald Trump set up a deal where a place called Crumbs would taste-test each teams cupcakes and whoever’s was best would get an extra $15k towards their earnings. The chicks won that contest and later, in the boardroom Jesse James didn’t BS the Donald when he again said “I think our cupcakes sucked.”
Brande Roderick and Annie Duke got into a couple of arguments, and Annie continued to act like an ass.
At this point, my prediction was that the men would win with bigger donations. Donny Deutsch gave Tom Green $10,000 for a cupcake, and it looked like the men were going to take it. Annie Duke was collecting some big donations as well, so it looked like it might be close.
The women won the taste-test, so they collected an extra $15 grand. In fact, the people at the Crumbs store in New York said the men’s cupcakes were “disgusting”.
The final tally;
Men: $49,449
Women: $61,257 + $15,000 for $76,257
Women win! (That’s just for effect, I don’t really give a shit)
Herschel Walker brought Dennis Rodman and Andrew Dice Clay into the boardroom. Dennis Rodman didn’t do much after the cupcakes were made, and sat inside the cupcake truck while everyone else was out selling.
Andrew Dice Clay didn’t do anything the whole time. He whined a bit, didn’t make any cupcakes, and didn’t sell much of anything. In the boardroom, he almost quit the show, actually saying “I’m willing to leave.” Donald Trump then asked Andrew if he was quitting and the Diceman said “yeah, I am”. Trump gave him a way back in, then eventually fired him anyway.
At the end of the show, Donald Trump told Herschel Walker “you made a lousy cupcake.” I’m sure the Heisman Trophy winner is very hurt.
Come back next week for the next installment of ‘Annie Duke – Celebrity Apprentice’ where I’ll be giving my version of the show every Sunday night until she gets the boot. In the coming days, we’ll be updating all of the sections of this site, starting some new ones, and adding a lot of the latest poker news to the site.